


(You Don't) Wear My Chains

by smokeandjollyranchers



Category: Critical Role
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, discussions of depression, it's light but it's there, prompt: healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 17:25:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19750357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandjollyranchers/pseuds/smokeandjollyranchers
Summary: How do you...keep going? She whispers, like she’s afraid to bring a name to what she’s talking about, like she’s worried if someone else hears her speak it, they’ll know, and everything will change. Softly, he shuts the book he’s reading, turning his full attention to her. Panic sets in behind her eyes, and he tilts his head. Nervously, she wrings her hands together, over and over, rings clicking against each other.





	(You Don't) Wear My Chains

_ How do you bear it? _ She asks him one night, the silence between them broken. 

He lifts an eyebrow, looking at her. _What do you mean?_

_How do you...keep going?_ She whispers, like she’s afraid to bring a name to what she’s talking about, like she’s worried if someone else hears her speak it, they’ll _know_ , and everything will change. Softly, he shuts the book he’s reading, turning his full attention to her. Panic sets in behind her eyes, and he tilts his head. Nervously, she wrings her hands together, over and over, rings clicking against each other. 

_Keep going?_

She tries to smile at him, and he’s never seen her look sadder before. _Through all of this, you know...the...hard stuff...the bad stuff._

If he’s honest, he’s never expecting anything that she says, that’s the _beauty_ of her, her unpredictable soul, but he’s _really_ not expecting that. _I...I sometimes can’t. But...sometimes I can. There has to be a balance, ja? For every horrible thing that happens, something good happens too._

She’s watching him _closely_ , reading every little movement of his eyes, every little twitch in his face, and she frowns. _You don’t actually believe that._

She’s good, she’s always good, and she smiles at her. _Nein, I don’t but...I’d like to. I’d like to believe that for every horrible thing that happens, there’s happiness but…_

_But there isn’t._ She finishes for him, a strange edge to her voice. _Molly dies, and we buried him in a grave we can’t even_ ** _visit_** _, and...and that place, that thing that took us? You weren’t there, he…_ Her hands are shaking, violently, eyes on the floor in front of her. _He ate a_ ** _baby_** _, Caleb and...and we- that dragon almost- and I was alone and-_

She stops, abruptly, looking at him. The tears in her eyes shine so brightly in the light from their campfire, and she swallows, hard. _Sometimes, I wish I was dead. I wish the dragon had gotten me, or I had drowned in that temple. Most of the time I don’t. Most of the time I am so so so_ ** _so_** _happy to be with you all, I really am. I never thought I could be so...happy. But…_

Tears spill over from her eyes, and he watches streaks of firelight fall down her cheeks. He hesitates, only for a moment, before he rests his hand over hers. _You can be both. Most people are. Jester, it’s...it’s not surprising that you’re...hurt like it. It’s...hard. All of this is hard, I know. It’s okay, you don’t_ ** _have_** _to never hurt. No one expects you to be okay all the time, no matter how much you expect of yourself._

Their fingers lace together, and he squeezes, until she’s looking at him. _The world would be a much darker place without you in it. You can’t help but save people, no matter where you go. You saved a little Kenku girl in a swamp, and you helped find her a home. You helped Nott find her family again, and when you saw her husband, you threatened to cut him because you love Nott that much. You helped Yasha, as much as you could. And all of that is important, Jester. I want you to know it is._

_But I also want you to know that it’s okay if the only person you can save is yourself._ He whispers, almost lost under the crackling of the fire. _Sometimes, that’s enough._

Her chin wobbles for just a moment, and then she’s buried in his chest, her arms wrapped around him.  _ Show me how to survive.  _

_ Oh Jester, _ he sighs, holding her back.  _ You already are.  _

**Author's Note:**

> Widojest week day 2: healing
> 
> I've been dealing with some MAJOR depressive issues lately, and this prompt was like pulling teeth, so i might be projecting just a bit but. It's hopeful. 
> 
> youcanreplytothiscomfort


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